Spoiler warning: beginning and mid-movie spoilers follow.
Winter is here, and streaming on Prime and Tubi is a movie you’ll thank me for spoiling: Frozen. No, not the billion-dollar Disney franchise; the 2010 horror film starring the guy from the X-men movies who plays “Iceman” — you can’t make this stuff up — the kid from Air Bud, and underrated actor Emma Bell. Bell enjoyed a brief burst of horror stardom as Elsa’s gothy cousin here, in season one of The Walking Dead, and in the surprisingly excellent Final Destination 5. But where that series embraces the stupidity of horror tropes and smartly satirizes to audience delight, this cousin ‘It’ has considerably less to offer.
Frozen exists for its elevator pitch: three twenty-somethings get stuck on a dead ski lift for days. They problem-solve with the same creativity of the pitch: none. If you ever find yourself in the same situation, remember these frosty tips.
1. Take risks sooner.
Before you go blue and everyone vacates this criminally negligent ski resort, make your moves. Waiting serves no purpose whatsoever. Power’s off. No one is in earshot. Time to boogie, gang.
2. Use clothes to make a rope.
Okay, this is the deal breaker, and it goes completely unaddressed. The thinking on the filmmakers’ part must have gone something like, “If we just don’t mention it, no one will notice.” We noticed. Cold or not, a temporary, scantily-clad chill beats days of frostbite and death any day of the week. Disrobe. Knot. Climb down even ten feet and make the considerably safer leap to freedom. Then put your clothes back on, walk to the lodge, yell at the staff, and go home.
3. If you’re jumping, hang first.
Let’s say you aren’t bright enough to get cold and would rather risk, you know, death. Still, why would you jump from the highest spot? Air Bud Dan missed that day on the playground where you realize it’s much more difficult to land a jump off the top of the monkey bars than it is hanging from beneath them. Dan instead makes a leap of likely death and snaps his legs as he aims for the plot hole.
4. Let one arm break, not both legs.
Back to Dan. Let’s rate the limbs most important in making your way up or down the mountain once you land. Hint: they’re your legs. Duck your shoulder into a roll and dislocate an arm. A punch ruled out, you can still swing limp to slap mountain staff at the lodge. People have survived without parachutes from falls out of planes. Go limp or forget it.
5. Jump downhill.
That roll gets a lot easier and a lot more natural if you jump down the hill instead of up it. Dan goes off the front of the gondola with the confidence of Houdini barreling over Niagra, except Dan’s landing in frozen water — crucial difference.
6. Swing and collapse the cable.
By late in the movie, the weight of the group has eroded the cable and loosened a lynchpin screw. Earlier, swinging could have loosened the whole structure for a nice tipped fall if it had really been that poorly assembled. It’s a long shot, but a necessary one to try. Just destabilize. It’s unlikely that you’d muscle a clean break. Much more likely is a nice lean and dip to situate you closer to the ground.
7. When a snow vehicle shows up, throw everything hard you have at it.
The movie does cover this one, with a few minor items barreling towards the drivers’ windshield — but if you want to live, you might as well let go of your snowboards and really make a dent. A glove or two won’t cut it.
8. Survive by preserving heat.
A fade-in shot midway through the movie shows the two remaining characters sat on opposite sides of the gondola. They should have gotten a lot more familiar by then. Bell’s character bafflingly has used an exposed hand to Dumb and Dumber herself to the rail. Just a thought, maybe tuck your hand inside your clothes. Any garment will do.
9. Zipline.
Iceman eventually tries to Ninja Warrior his way to a lower gondola, but the wire tears up his palms. Bend your ski stick, toss it up, and start to shimmy. For bonus points, you could even create a swing with an article of clothing and go for the hang glider look. Just have fun with it.
10. Don’t board the last ride up in the first place.
How dumb do you have to be to pay a ski attendant $100 to get in one more ride for the day, bro? Roughly as dense as whoever green-lit this movie, one so frustratingly implausible, you actually start to root for the wolves.
Ryan Derenberger is a freelance journalist and editor, a Journalism and AP Language teacher at Whitman HS in Bethesda, MD, and the founder of 'The Idea Sift.' He also serves on the board of directors for student journalism nonprofit 'Kidizenship.'
