Local office insists everyone come back to sit at worse computers.

Local office insists everyone come back to sit at worse computers.

Boss cites unity, health, snacks as reasons for opening the office.

Notice: This is a satirical post. The goal is to horrify and ridicule — and in doing so, enlighten. Laughter, if it occurs, is in the vocal chords of the beholder.

April 29th, 2021 at 5:25 pm EDT

A local boss this week announced via email that everyone needed to “grow up and get over quarantine,” ending a moratorium on in-office work.

“How will you get your Nutter Butters I bought for the meetings unless you’re actually there?”

The change comes after weeks of harumphs and audible sighs over Zoom calls. This week also marked the fifth time this month that the boss mixed up “their” and “they’re” in an email.

“Their going to go bad,” he said of the Nutter Butters.

“I mean, I don’t really see what the difference is between working on my computer at home and working on my computer in the office,” said one employee. “At home, I at least have Oreos, even on a bad day. I don’t like Nutter Butters.”

Concern over the nation’s office snacks seems to have swept the nation since the beginning of the pandemic, as bosses in every state start to say “no more” to approaching expiration dates. 

Recent research suggests that, since March of 2020, upwards of 70% of meeting snacks are now going stale in those cabinets at work, you know, the ones that are sticky for no reason?

“I just want to do my job,” said another employee. “I can do that with or without Frito Lay variety packs.”

THE STIFF

In-person office work is always the most efficient choice.
THE SIFT

At-home work has its benefits — from reducing silence-filling chatter to extra hours spent in comfort rather than a commute — and acknowledging these benefits will make our plans in 2020 and beyond more lucid, and less “Michael Scott.”